Federal Government will bring sight to the blind

Reportedly heard in the House of Representatives, supported by many, surprising none.

Madam Speaker, I rise today in support of H.B. 2020, the National Eyeball Allocation and Regulation of Sight (NEARSight) Act of 2011.

Our great nation was founded on the principles of liberty and equality. Without liberty, we can’t be equal. Without equality, we can’t have liberty. So when some Americans are treated unequally, it’s an assault on the liberty of each and every one of us. We have a sacred duty to those Founding Fathers who fought and bled for our freedom to bring equality to every American.

Some may say that we are free and we are equal, because we see freedom and we see equality everywhere. But do we? Sadly, not all of us see those things equally — because not all of us see equally well. It is to rectify this incredible injustice that I beg you to join me in using the full moral might of this government to bring equal sight to all. To do less than pass this legislation is to confess before all of us that you hate equality and that you hate liberty.

Most people in our great land have two functioning eyeballs, while some struggle to exist in a dreary and barren land devoid of color or light or hope. No, friends, it’s not Detroit that I speak of. It’s the land of blindness. Those with two eyes aren’t morally superior. They didn’t earn their eyeballs. No, it was just a cruel twist of fate that gave some people sight and others darkness. Many Americans have two eyeballs while others have just one or none at all. Clearly, a redistribution program, as detailed in the National Eyeball Allocation and Regulation of Sight (NEARSight) Act of 2011, is in order. And we are here today to bring this light and hope to those without sight and without hope.

So how will our great plan work? As outlined, passage of this bill would ensure that all Americans have at least one eyeball by taking from those who have two and giving to those who have none. This legislation will create a new Regulatory Eyeball Transfer and Implant National Agency (RETINA), which will have the full power to control who has eyes and who doesn’t. Once every American has one eyeball the remaining eyeballs will be rotated through the populace switching hosts on a regular six month cycle. Those who come out against this bill clearly have only their own interests at heart. They care little for other people. That these citizens cannot see the problem as clearly as those without eyes is as sad as it is ironic.

I do want to assure those who have asked that this bill includes a small provision that exempts members of Congress, their staffs and their families from this act. This small concession has been made in the name of national security, because we must always be vigilant in the protection of our citizens — and we need full sight to protect them.

This bill is an important step forward for the less fortunate. Passage of this bill will not only ensure at least one eyeball for every American, but provide jobs, save consumers money, and enhance our nation’s security. We’ll also get free cookies at the doctor’s office, and eye patches. Eye patches are cool.

I have a vision. A vision that one day all Americans will have vision. Or one eyeball, at least. I urge my colleagues to support this bill and yield back the balance of my time.