Madam Speaker, I rise today in support of H.B. 2020, the National Eyeball Allocation and Regulation of Sight (NEARSight) Act of 2011.

Our great nation was founded on the principles of liberty and equality. Without liberty, we can’t be equal. Without equality, we can’t have liberty. So when some Americans are treated unequally, it’s an assault on the liberty of each and every one of us. We have a sacred duty to those Founding Fathers who fought and bled for our freedom to bring equality to every American.

Some may say that we are free and we are equal, because we see freedom and we see equality everywhere. But do we? Sadly, not all of us see those things equally — because not all of us see equally well. It is to rectify this incredible injustice that I beg you to join me in using the full moral might of this government to bring equal sight to all. To do less than pass this legislation is to confess before all of us that you hate equality and that you hate liberty.

Most people in our great land have two functioning eyeballs, while some struggle to exist in a dreary and barren land devoid of color or light or hope. No, friends, it’s not Detroit that I speak of. It’s the land of blindness. Those with two eyes aren’t morally superior. They didn’t earn their eyeballs. No, it was just a cruel twist of fate that gave some people sight and others darkness. Many Americans have two eyeballs while others have just one or none at all. Clearly, a redistribution program, as detailed in the National Eyeball Allocation and Regulation of Sight (NEARSight) Act of 2011, is in order. And we are here today to bring this light and hope to those without sight and without hope.

So how will our great plan work? As outlined, passage of this bill would ensure that all Americans have at least one eyeball by taking from those who have two and giving to those who have none. This legislation will create a new Regulatory Eyeball Transfer and Implant National Agency (RETINA), which will have the full power to control who has eyes and who doesn’t. Once every American has one eyeball the remaining eyeballs will be rotated through the populace switching hosts on a regular six month cycle. Those who come out against this bill clearly have only their own interests at heart. They care little for other people. That these citizens cannot see the problem as clearly as those without eyes is as sad as it is ironic.

I do want to assure those who have asked that this bill includes a small provision that exempts members of Congress, their staffs and their families from this act. This small concession has been made in the name of national security, because we must always be vigilant in the protection of our citizens — and we need full sight to protect them.

This bill is an important step forward for the less fortunate. Passage of this bill will not only ensure at least one eyeball for every American, but provide jobs, save consumers money, and enhance our nation’s security. We’ll also get free cookies at the doctor’s office, and eye patches. Eye patches are cool.

I have a vision. A vision that one day all Americans will have vision. Or one eyeball, at least. I urge my colleagues to support this bill and yield back the balance of my time.

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Federal Government will bring sight to the blind

It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, incompetent, political time-servers who are concerned more with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility and what virtue they have left by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling malodorous little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that readers should consider them as ulcerous little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive.

We are sorry if this impression has come across.

This Public Service Announcement brought to you by Monty Python, the Spanish Inquisition, and the letter Nih. And now back to your regularly scheduled programme.

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An Apology (to Politicians)

Hey Jon, didn’t I promise you Bush 3.0? You may not be a libertarian now, but keep this up for long and you may end up, oh I don’t know, like John Stossel or Andrew Napolitano…

But I’m still curious, why do “conservatives” want to oust Barry? Seriously, he behaves exactly like Republicans should want: he gives corporate handouts, he passes socialized medicine (remember Bush’s “Prescription Drug Plan” plus some), he encourages education (No Child Left Behind!), and most of all he ratchets up every war effort possible. What’s not for a conservative to love?

Oh wait, I get it. He’s a Democrat stealing the thunder of Republican big-government programs. That’s why.

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Jon Stewart Crushes Obama on Civil Liberties

Now, to be clear, I have very little against “contemporary music” save the vacuity in some percentage of the lyrics. What I do have an issue with is churches that allow themselves to be caught up in an entertainment-centered culture, and let their worship services reflect such values. It may be done even with decent motives, but nevertheless it simply is not who we are called to be. The Church Universal is called to new life, and this new life will in many cases make us look fundamentally different than the surrounding culture.

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Sunday is Coming!

Courtesy GraphJam.com. And another…

Again, courtesty GraphJam.com. I’m totally loving their site. It’s hilarious even when the graphs are mathematically nonsensical or just plain silly.

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How a Government Gets a Job Done

U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan

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Watch out for the H-bomb

I’m pretty sure these clips combine some of my favorite things on planet earth: William Shatner, Conan O’Brien, poetry, and making fun of the political class. As you probably know, Sarah Palin resigned from her position as governor of Alaska a few weeks ago. Despite what some have said (including this somewhat perplexing article on LRC), I don’t see Palin as a potential advocate of true liberty in the coming years without some major turnarounds in her political philosophy. I could be convinced, but it would take quite a lot. The standard for repented politicians is considerably higher for me than most other people because of the harm so many of them are complicit in causing.

In fact, my suspicion is that she is steadily positioning herself in the public eye (which she cannot do in Alaska, despite her failed VP run) in order to take another shot in the 2012 presidential race. Mark my words, watch out for a Rick Perry – Sarah Palin ticket — and God help us if that happens. Like Palin, Perry is a pro-politician and a pro-liar, or do I repeat myself? At any rate, that’s my prediction 3.5 years out… We’ll just have to see.

Anyway, Conan . These just cracked me up today, and I hope you’ll enjoy them as well.

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Politicians sure can be ridiculous…

Way to go, Thaves!

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Frank and Ernest Understand the Fed

Considering my recent post about the Obamessiah, this is rather timely. Enjoy the vid…

__

He’s Barack Obama, by JibJab.

Hat tip to Nick for sending me this.

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He’s Barack Obama

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Peter Schiff
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Newt Gingrich Unedited Interview

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Peter Schiff on the Daily Show